Irony… what 2020 was supposed to be

Its funny how many films were made about the “future”. A future that typically was depicted to be some time around now. Putting fiction aside… there were so many predictions about what 2020 would look like. How advanced technology would be, how much longer life expectancy would be, which country would be on top. It was all predictions of progress. This year was supposed to be popping.

Personally I had a lot of things I was looking to accomplish before making major life changes. This was supposed to be the year my husband and I travelled the world before settling down and shifting our focus to “family”. The last hurrah as we know it.

Just a few weeks before this whole thing blew up, superficially speaking, I was supposed to get my nails done, get a haircut, get a massage… go to Cheesecake Factory to use a gift card my best friend gifted me. We kept putting it off until later cause in the moment life was so busy.

Who would have guessed that everything would come to such a sudden halt? We would have all the time in the world to go do things but couldn’t go do them. No one guessed that 2020 would be the year everything stopped for a very long minute.

The golden year 2020 of the future, where everything was supposed to be hustling and bustling – silenced.

Oh the irony.

Respect for our military – opened eyes of a healthcare provider

As the wrath of coronavirus descends upon us, I can’t help but think about people in the military and what they go through on a daily basis. I don’t necessarily want to compare myself to them, because I have too much respect for what they do, but at this time, I’m starting to understand some fraction of what they must be going through – especially during times of active combat.

They chose to enlist. It was their choice. Just like it was mine to become a healthcare provider. They’re brave and put their lives on the line, just like we are now. I think everyone has respect and is thankful… but truthfully before now, while I always “knew”, I never really took the time to think about what must be going on in their minds – emotionally speaking.

I wouldn’t be surprised if deep down inside they felt some ounce of fear. Fear for their lives, fear for if they’ll ever see their loved ones again… or what will happen to their loved ones. But they put on their brave face and carry on. Respect.

We are scared too. We wish we could join the masses in their work from home isolation but we can’t. We don’t want to get sick. We don’t want to potentially bring it home to our loved ones. But we put on a brave face and carry on.

Maybe it’s only a fraction of understanding what they go through – but while before my immense respect for them was based on what I knew, today I have an additional perspective. My respect has grown multi-fold because I now also know with my feelings.

Respect. 🙏🏻

My Husband’s Sacrifice

I often write about my own feelings and emotions revolving around a certain topic. The other day I wrote about rejection and so many people reached out with a Virtual Hug. You guys are amazing and thank you for the love ❤️ I appreciate you all

Last night I noticed my husband was a little fussy… not towards me but in general inwardly. It’s when I noticed that all of this isn’t easy on him either… he’s silently been sacrificing a lot without even signing up for it… and I have to take note of that

My husband is an engineer – he works 9-5 M-F. That’s what he signed up for. A normal life. Then he met me. Sure we can say the moment he married me he signed up for my life patterns but I’m pretty sure he was busier focusing on who I am as a person.

This man silently accepted that every other week for 7 days straight he wouldn’t see me… he would be at work when I was asleep, and I’d be at work when he was. That means no partner for comfort cuddles at night. He accepted that he won’t be able to make normal plans for 50% of the weekends in a year because I would be working. He started planning his life around my work schedule without a peep.

He accepted, perhaps with a heavy heart, that not just during this coronavirus pandemic, but every night his wife will march into a war zone of some contagious disease or another and has the potential to get sick. Bigger yet – he accepted that HE might get sick.

During this pandemic he has accepted that as much as he wants to be near me, hug me, comfort me… he can’t. And it seemed unfair. As I went to sleep in our bed and he went to sleep in the guest bedroom his fussiness grew. I noticed it. And I felt horrible for him. He didn’t sign up for this… only I did.

That’s what spouses of healthcare providers do – they accept that something might go wrong, silently, while actively supporting their partner. He knew what he was getting into by the time we got married… but that doesn’t mean I can’t give him the appreciation he deserves. I can only take care of people because he takes care of me.

Thanks for being an incredible husband, Sagar.

Rejection

Kind of want to narrate a funny side effect of everything that’s been going on. Yes I’ve been around sick people. Clearly strangers know that too as soon as they see me in scrubs. On my way home today I happened to be walking by some folks and they all seemed to avoid me, walk the long way around, as if I was a stray rabid dog.

At home my husband maintains a distance. Of course, I want him to… I wanted him to leave last week before I plunged into this whole thing and go stay with my parents two hours away. He didn’t, but that’s a different story. I know he should keep his distance, but the fact that I can sense that he’s doing it on his own hurts. It’s illogical and I shouldn’t feel bad cause he makes sure to tell me he loves me and hates the physical distance verbally every second of every minute we’re together. I know some people have moved out, sleep in the garage, have sent their kids away… so I’m lucky my husband is still in front of me – but it still feels yucky. Feels worse cause I’ve been coughing the past few days and now I also feel guilty.

We’re all mentally exhausted from dealing with all of this. It feels like a bad dream that we are just not waking up from. But at least you guys can cuddle with your loved ones. Hug your mom, see you’re dad.

Sucks that we are feeling down too, just like everyone else… but for us, at a time when we could really use a hug… we absolutely cannot have one. Seems trivial but it’s actually a really big deal.

Guess that’s one of the sacrifices all healthcare providers are making to keep providing. For now I have to cry by myself. Feel the anxiety alone. And all I get is some words of comfort from a long long distance. Text. Phone. Husband sitting at a decent distance. I can’t cuddle up next to him or cry my anxiety into his shoulder.

I can’t go near my husband. I can’t see my parents or my brother. I can’t have my loved ones near me to comfort me and for me to comfort them. They try hard to comfort me with words but it almost feels like I’m starting to experience a little bit of touch starvation after a week.

Just have to sit here and literally feel like a rabid dog while I help save lives. How ironic is that? Loll

Why do I get mad? Because we are setting ourselves on fire for YOU

I’ve been super agitated lately. Just in general not just cause of coronavirus but yeah it’s exacerbated it. I want to talk about why I get mad.

Except no one in the field is making decisions that are right for us. We’re treating COVID19 patients without much protection, putting ourselves and the people we love in harms way.

And in return People do and say really shitty things. This virus is no joke, the data is out in front of us. It’s a scary time right now. But yet people are not understanding and taking it seriously… STILL. Another thing that’s pissing me off is how people are just spreading wrong information without realizing the repercussions of it. And when I get mad, people don’t get WHY I’m mad. Heck why the entire MEDICAL community is pissed.

So let me put it this way. To be blunt, while people are sitting at home, wasting time at home, working from home… or not really working… MEDICAL STAFF is putting themselves in harms way. We are the ones going to work day in and day out. We are the ones KNOWINGLY entering infected patients rooms, KNOWING that we can potentially get sick… and die from it. Not people. We are. We are knowingly doing all this, knowing that we might bring it home and kill a loved one. Is that blunt enough for you?

So ya when I see people spreading false information or just hanging out and not taking this seriously it makes me feel like I’m INTENTIONALLY putting myself and my family in harms way for people who don’t actually deserve it.

How about instead then WE sit at home, and you people go to the hospital and use your so called misinformation to cure these patients. Why don’t YOU make it a social gathering while you’re at it.

Guess when that’s all over the population of the planet will be significantly different and we will all be safe to come out of our homes again.

But obviously that’s not going to happen, so until then… I’m going to have to be the one in a dangerous situation… not you. Those nurses doctors and respiratory therapists? They’re the ones who have to work with those infected lungs – NOT YOU. When things get bad, WE have to watch people be REALLY sick and die at the same time. YOU don’t. MEDICAL STAFF has to cry with the family while YOU are completely oblivious to what’s been going on.

So the least YOU can do, is cooperate, understand WHY we get mad, and help us in stopping all this bullshit instead of blowing our desperate and sincere requests off as “overreacting”.

Cause you know what? You wouldn’t call it overreacting if your eyes saw what ours have, and felt the fear we have felt.

Ps. Everyone is working hard. But I especially have to applaud the most hands on people – nurses, respiratory therapists, followed by doctors. You guys are the heroes of heroes.

Black Cat 🐾

Amidst all the craziness that has been surrounding us… all the negativity, all the fear that has been engulfing us… a black cat crossed my path tonight on my way to work.

Greaaaat” I thought to myself, “Just great!

No, I’m not too superstitious otherwise, but I found myself really annoyed by the timing.

More than this cat crossing my path however, it was how it went down that stuck with me. This cat – not a kitten but not fully grown either, with velvety dark as night fur – was utterly flustered. If it had just stayed put it would have been fine… but instead it started running erratically out of fear.

I guess it thought it had a split second to decide… Right?? Left?? And then suddenly (of course) it ran left… directly out in front of my car before suddenly coming to a deer in headlights stop. I was watching it all along so luckily I wasn’t really moving as I waited for it to figure it’s situation out. In that moment, shining in my cars headlights, I could see turmoil and fear mixed in its eyes. It was the chilling look of staring death in the eyes, terrified. It’s life was probably flashing before it’s eyes, it’s heart was probably racing. I honked at it twice – once to unfreeze it, once get it to move. In the process, it crossed my path before disappearing into the night.

Made me think of us humans in this time. We too are so unsure of what we’re supposed to be doing. There’s so much confusion, turmoil, fear… and rightfully so. We’re social creatures but trapped within the 4 walls of our homes… and the 4 walls of our mind. It seems like we’re battling a pandemic but many are also trying to keep mental health decline at bay. One internal struggle… one external.

Hopefully we won’t lose our minds along the way. Hopefully we make a conscious effort to stay sane and stay put… because not doing so will truly be a dangerous thing. This cat within those few seconds symbolized that understanding… or even the lack thereof … to me.

The most important thing to remember however is that this cat’s moment passed within a couple seconds. I’m just hoping ours will too… sooner than later… with this just becoming a distant memory.

My little black outfit

I wore a short outfit. It was not that short… but short enough for some people to comment on it, disapprovingly. And it gave me anxiety – for a second. It also looked shorter than it really was in photos but that’s besides the point.

I wore it while in Vegas and while with my husband. It was approved and passed by husband level of comfort (whether I needed it or not is besides the point – I’m an independent woman, but I still respect my marriage enough to avoid doing things that make my husband uncomfortable).

Some background – I spend 99.9% of my life looking like a slob. I LOVE what I do and I’d pick it all over again a million times – but to make a point – I work graveyards, in a hospital, doing some really stressful work. I wear non-shape conforming scrubs, my hair is usually just thrown up in a mess, and my face doesn’t have an ounce of make up – or anything – on it. Nothing to cover up the dark circles, the baggy eyes, the horrible skin secondary to degree of stress and horrible sleep and eating patterns.

I spend 99.9% of my life feeling and being unattractive. And it doesn’t bother me because what I do holds so much meaning. I save lives every single day. But somewhere that 99.9% being unattractive has rooted itself somewhere in my subconscious. And it’s not a good feeling. I also wasn’t raised to wear risqué clothing – so I don’t. And even this time, I didn’t.

But as a nearly 30 year old married woman, I’d want the world to allow me to draw my own boundaries. If my husband is ok with something, then I should be able to do whatever I need to do within those boundaries.

Women lose themselves in family life, in societal pressure. Women conform to expectations and fear gossip – then participate in gossip – and most spend their entire life forgetting to take care of themselves.

I’m not saying go out there and be a 110% skank (whatever that’s means). I’m not saying cross limits that your family is uncomfortable with. But alongside respecting your partner’s comfort level, and he (or other appropriate pronoun) respecting your need to do what you gotta do, find a middle ground wherein you can find time to feel good about yourself.

Is this blog superficial upon first glance? Yes. But so many people don’t realize how much mental effort goes behind accepting ones body during periods of change. Aging (losing ones youth). Pregnancy. Diseases. Medication. The list goes on. We should be confident in who we are – but that’s easier said than done. Truth is we are all vain, and while we might not show it, the thoughts of losing the body/image we are most confident in do engrain themselves in our subconscious, and negatively affect us.

I’m no different.

So yeah. I did wear a sort of short black outfit. Location was appropriate, and it was husband approved.

And for one night in a blue moon – I felt damn good strutting in it.

Sue me 🤷🏻‍♀️

https://www.deviantart.com/nyvelvet/art/little-black-dress-430408532