What determines attractiveness

So yesterday a few things happened. Really putting things in perspective.

1.) a random dude I’ve never met before approached me to tell me he thought I was very pretty.

2.) a best friend who has known me for half my life cheered me on and told me “I still had it”

3.) another old friend who had known me since we were basically toddlers, told me I look the exact same as I always have. <– this friend has the biggest perspective.

So anyway in conversation this morning with friend #2 above, the convo went as follows after he told me “I still got it”:

I told him how not even three years ago I was at the lowest point in my life. There was nothing more I wanted to do but disappear from this life. Life had taken me to a point where I felt so incredibly unattractive because of everything that was happening to me, my self confidence was at an all time low. I felt like trash… like no one would ever want me.

To that he responded “and look at where you are now”

But the truth is I am nowhere now… at least nowhere on that scale of attractiveness. Nowhere that I wasn’t already. The up and down had only happened in my own mind. Keep in mind friend #3 with the biggest perspective’s words “You have always looked the EXACT same”. But yet that up and down in my own mind did have a real effect in the real world!

So what would make a person appear so unattractive before but attractive now – shouldn’t degree of attractiveness have stayed constant if there hasn’t actually been any physical change?

Suddenly at 10:44 this morning I realized… all along it wasn’t my physical appearance but the vibe I put out and the way I looked at myself that affected everyone else’s approach towards me.

And I learned a life lesson.

Even when something really bad happens to you don’t let people define how you see yourself. You have to define yourself, and only then can you define how people see you. What defines my degree of attractiveness is how I look at myself. How confident I am in my own self. It has everything to do with the vibe I put out and that vibe depends only on how I feel about myself.

Physical appearance – that’s all subjective and out of our control. But what we think about ourselves and how we carry ourselves… now that’s the true impact.

Missing someone

It’s almost 4am. I should have been asleep hours ago but I can’t get my legs to walk me into the bedroom and sleep.

I keep waiting for you to come home, even though I know you’re on a special vacation. I keep thinking any moment now you’ll walk through the door and we can do our wrap up for the night routine. Talk, watch tv, play a game on our phone together. Give each other massages cause we are getting old and need them.

I know you’re not going to walk through that door but my body refuses to de-condition for just a night or two.

I need sleep so badly. But it’s so hard when I keep missing you. How did I spend 5 years in an empty apartment??

The silence is deafening. I’ve actually never felt this sadness before… which is truly a good thing.

Obviously there’s love in this relationship… but that would be there regardless.

What it actually means is that despite any mistakes you have made in your life… you are still a good man.

I feel what I feel because you’re a good man, and I would say that feeling the way I feel tonight, as sad as I feel… is a blessing.

I am loved and cared for, finally, in the way that I always wished to be. So the lack there of while you’re away…. is what induces this feeling.

For this feeling, as sucky as it is, I actually want to say…. thank you.

Why can’t money grow on trees?

I mean. It could. It could grow on trees if we decided to make leaves money. But then it’d be too common and common things hold no value.

Everyone would be able to afford everything so then it would just be first come first serve. And things would get weird. Probably.

But maybe it would encourage everyone to plant more trees. πŸ€”

Random thought of the day as I wait for work to begin. πŸ™ˆ

Ignore the beauty, address the Brains

Whoever thinks the following is a self-centered piece is part of the problem. Because it’s written at the expense of sounding self consumed – But I assure you I am not.

———- Begin ———-

There was a time that I sat down and taught myself how to play a relatively complicated piece on the piano and I had posted a clip of it on my social media account.

“You look so pretty!” A boy texted me.

“Ok,” *eye roll* was my response.

There was a time I had solved a really difficult puzzle and was really proud of myself for doing so. Posted a picture about it.

“You look so pretty!” A boy exclaimed.

“Ugh,” was my response.

There was a time I painted a picture, I wrote a poem, I directed a play, I composed a poem, I made a delicious meal, I saved a life at work…

… and yet every single time a comment was made about my physical appearance.

I’m not ungrateful – Dear God, thank you. But besides Sagar saying so,

ITS SO DAMN ANNOYING when that’s all people see.

If a woman participates in a beauty contest, then sure comment on her appearance. If she posts glamour shots on Instagram… yes, for God’s sake tell her about how great she looks. In general… complimenting a woman on her looks is a good thing and a feel good thing for us…

**EXCEPT**

When she has done something artistic or intellectual, it is SO beyond annoying that the skill is completely overlooked.

A skill is shared with the world because we want to showcase it, sure maybe even brag about it…. not because we want to showcase our faces which are only just that. Faces. Superficial.

Dear boy – most of us… We are more than just a pleasant face. We are creative intelligent creatures who crave intellectual stimulation and thrive off of intellectual or artistic discussion. Yes we like to feel attractive, no doubt. But we like our intelligence and our artistic abilities more!

So next time we do something amazing, how about complimenting that first… it’ll really motivate and stimulate us and give you + points in our eyes.

And if you insist on also telling us we are physically attractive – thank you… feel free to mention it as an after thought.

πŸ”†πŸ”†πŸ”†πŸ”†πŸ”†πŸ”†πŸ”†πŸ”†πŸ”†πŸ”†

(Except for male significant others. Y’all better be telling your girl she’s smart AND beautiful every moment of every day πŸ˜πŸ˜‰)

Are artistic abilities genetic?

I genuinely wonder.

My grandfather was a writer, and a poet. My uncle, my aunt, my father – all exceptional writers and poets.

I don’t consider myself exceptional, but I find peace in writing and pleasure in poetry as well. I find it to be the best way for me to express myself. And the turmoil inside me.

Especially poetry.

Which does come rather easily to me. Especially when I’m feeling feelings.

But considering that from grandfather to his children – one being my father… and from my father to me… that desire to write prose and poetry has always been there.

Or was it passed down?

Was it coded in my genes before birth, that I too would write?

Many times I see at least one kid (if not all) per couple having the talents their parents do if they wish to pursue them.

Dancers birth dancers, musically inclined birth musically inclined, instrument players, singers, athletes even….

πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

What’s in a Name?

The other day I was telling a friend about the concept of changing a woman’s first name as part of a ritual in a Marathi wedding. I told her that no one really does it anymore, so I was surprised to find that an acquaintance our age had done it recently.

Regardless, she was appalled. “Your culture… doesn’t have much for women does it!” She exclaimed.

I was taken aback for a second… because that’s totally not true. I tried to put myself in her shoes for a second and sort of saw it from her angle… but then I balanced with her.

I said, “You’re appalled at the thought of a husband changing a woman’s first name, because it’s not standard practice in American society. But you’re ok with changing the last name because it’s norm and we blindly follow it,” ….. “when you think about it… what’s the difference?” I asked.

“Ohhh… that’s true!” She exclaimed coming to the sudden realization that changing either name then technically should be wronging a woman. You can’t be ok with one and not ok with the other.

Now there’s a reason for changing the last name… to identify a family… but for the sake of this argument, I’ll argue that changing a woman’s — or for that matter… any person’s — last name is WORSE than changing their first.

What’s in a name? Identity.

The first name is what we identify with the most because it is unique to us within our family classification. But really it just tells us what name our parents were in love with the moment we were born. That’s it.

The last name however tells us so much about ourselves. It gives us our entire lineage. From a last name you can track down an entire ancestry, it tells you what region of the world your family come from. As an Indian – my surname tells everyone what specific part of India my ancestors were from. Essentially, our last names tell us everything we need to know about our backgrounds. So I’d argue that our last names are what truly define us from heritage to family… and even down to genetics. Defining which part of the world you’re from also helps identify which genetic conditions you’re predisposed to.

“Basically,” I told her, “if you take all of this into consideration… changing your first name really isn’t as bad as changing your last name… because when you change your last name you’re wiping out your entire history… and taking on your husband’s. However, a husband’s history is not your history… down to the genetics… so essentially taking on someone else’s last name is equivalent to lying about who you are… because it masks everything that makes you, you!”

So what is in a name? Well first name, there’s some “identity” … but a last name?

That’s your entire coding… your entire history.

————-

Side note: I’ll probably still change my last name eventually after marriage… but for argument’s sake… when passing judgement about another culture we should all probably take a look at our own culture, or the world’s culture, and see if it’s equivalent if not worse. We tend to blindly follow norms without thinking about what they mean and we tend to pass judgement without realizing that we may be doing the same.

Show offs

You know, it’s incredible how many people will try to buy expensive things but can hardly afford their own life.

Straight up – I don’t get this “show off” mentality. I don’t want the bling-est bling if there is something more worthy that I can buy with that same money.

I’m not trying to buy the most expensive branded clothes, have the latest phone, the newest car, or the shiniest jewelry – if it’s not worth the money.

If I was living hand to mouth, paycheck to paycheck – or if I was incapable of truly affording a particular object without a loan or having to make payments – I wouldn’t be walking around judging other people’s property and laughing at how small, old, or boring it is.

Of course, people can decide if they want to go into debt, or borrow money from their parents and then somehow think they’re successful because of their materialistic possessions. But don’t judge me for how I choose to live.

At least I’m paying for everything in my life all by myself, 110%.