The past few weeks I’ve been having intense convos with multiple people about “self-love” so today I want to start writing a multi part series about it. While it’s a long journey, I personally have reached a place of self-content thanks to the amazing support system I’ve had, but I realized that there are people around me who now need the push I once got.
This isn’t just my story. It’s many of ours.
Life is beautiful. Life also sucks. Amazing things happen in life – like making new friends, achieving goals, falling in love. Horrible things happen too – the people who are supposed to love us, don’t. We are unsuccessful at meeting goals. The people we trust cheat us. The lists could go on…
Over the years I’ve noticed that we all tie a lot of our self worth to the actions of other people. She didn’t love me, I must not be worthy of being loved. He cheated me, I must have deserved it. They didn’t protect me, I must be disposable. I must have no value.
I don’t deserve to be happy.
I. Don’t. Deserve. To. Be. Happy.
And slowly but steadily, this one small thought, put in our minds by the actions of others, becomes a belief we stick to more strongly that religious fanatics stick to their religions.
Why do we give other people so much importance that we allow their behavior towards us to dictate how we perceive ourselves?? If no one knows me better than myself, then why don’t I trust myself over others??
After the immense trauma I went through a few years ago it’s been a long long journey towards healing, but I can’t blame it all on those few very scary years. The truth is that the seeds of self doubt had been planted at a much younger age. Was it not being Indian/American enough? Was it being born a girl? Was it being too skinny? Was it not being tall enough. Not fair enough, pretty enough, smart enough? A different race? A different religion? What was it??
No matter how “enough” I wasn’t, the fact is that I was always still a human. I was always still deserving of love and protection and care! We all are… but unfortunately, the world is sadistic, existing to bog us down.
It didn’t take long for the uncontrollable horrible truths of the world to slap me in the face and in no time I started believing – I deserve to be unhappy. It was after that point that the self sabotage started. If I was happy I would find a way to minimize myself. I would create worst case scenarios in my head and let myself physically feel the pain of them because all of a sudden pain was the state of mind that I felt the most comfortable in because that’s what I deserved.
Or so I thought.
Inflicting pain on oneself is unnatural. Imagine the duration of and the degree of mental manipulation that had occurred to get me to this space. I had successfully allowed people who didn’t care about me to dictate what my identity was.
Pain. Rejection. Disposability.
Then one day, I woke up. And thank goodness that I did. One day as I was wallowing in my misery, I thought to myself:
I’m a good person. I care about people from deep within.
I’m an empath.
I am successful.
The world is full of 8 billion people. Sure there are people triggering my self doubt… but there are a lot more people who love me (like my husband! And my best friends!). There are people who admire me. Want me in their lives. Who care for me, who fight for me. Who do have my back!
I am worth it.
Why had I spent so many years giving importance to the people who constantly broke my resolve while conveniently ignoring the people who wanted to help build me up?
In fact, forget people, both the good and the bad. Why didn’t I pay attention to myself??
As I said above, no one on this planet knows me better than myself. No one loves me more than I do. Then why wasn’t I taking care of myself? Why wasn’t I focusing on all the amazing things about me? Why wasn’t I tying my self worth to my own knowledge of me!
I’m strong. I’m independent. I’m capable.
I love myself. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be surrounded with love. I am indispensable.
Truth is, it took half a decade and counting for me to even start believing these words. It has by far been the hardest journey I have ever taken. Harder than any form of neglect or abuse I have ever endured. But no matter how hard it is, fact is that self love is the most important thing every person must ensure they have in their lives.
It’s not easy but we all have to start somewhere. For those of you who have never had to take this journey, good for you. For those of you who have been in my old shoes – let today be the day you start telling yourself the right positive things about yourself.
It may seem like a lie today, but I promise that eventually you’ll start believing. Eventually you’ll start loving yourself. Eventually, you’ll start trusting your own version of you.
The most accurate version of you.