Kind of want to narrate a funny side effect of everything that’s been going on. Yes I’ve been around sick people. Clearly strangers know that too as soon as they see me in scrubs. On my way home today I happened to be walking by some folks and they all seemed to avoid me, walk the long way around, as if I was a stray rabid dog.

At home my husband maintains a distance. Of course, I want him to… I wanted him to leave last week before I plunged into this whole thing and go stay with my parents two hours away. He didn’t, but that’s a different story. I know he should keep his distance, but the fact that I can sense that he’s doing it on his own hurts. It’s illogical and I shouldn’t feel bad cause he makes sure to tell me he loves me and hates the physical distance verbally every second of every minute we’re together. I know some people have moved out, sleep in the garage, have sent their kids away… so I’m lucky my husband is still in front of me – but it still feels yucky. Feels worse cause I’ve been coughing the past few days and now I also feel guilty.

We’re all mentally exhausted from dealing with all of this. It feels like a bad dream that we are just not waking up from. But at least you guys can cuddle with your loved ones. Hug your mom, see you’re dad.

Sucks that we are feeling down too, just like everyone else… but for us, at a time when we could really use a hug… we absolutely cannot have one. Seems trivial but it’s actually a really big deal.

Guess that’s one of the sacrifices all healthcare providers are making to keep providing. For now I have to cry by myself. Feel the anxiety alone. And all I get is some words of comfort from a long long distance. Text. Phone. Husband sitting at a decent distance. I can’t cuddle up next to him or cry my anxiety into his shoulder.

I can’t go near my husband. I can’t see my parents or my brother. I can’t have my loved ones near me to comfort me and for me to comfort them. They try hard to comfort me with words but it almost feels like I’m starting to experience a little bit of touch starvation after a week.

Just have to sit here and literally feel like a rabid dog while I help save lives. How ironic is that? Loll

2 thoughts on “Rejection

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