A couple months ago I had this conversation with a girl… just starting off her 20s… about accepting our partners for who they are. As I had been observing her behavior over the course of that weekend, I realized how lost we all are as humans.
So let me tie all the above statements together.
First and foremost no, I do not believe we should accept our partners or the people we want to be with for who they are…
You read correctly – if there is a factor that goes against our beliefs, there is absolutely no reason to accept that factor in a partner. And if that person is happy with that particular aspect of their life, then sure respect that, no judgement… but then it might be time to find a new partner.
I do believe that it is important to digest and accept a person’s past – because the past cannot be changed. If a person is willing to make changes for the better, then the past is just that… a fact… but just the past all the same. But accepting behavioral patterns in someone just because you like them… is not a good idea.
Why? Cause love and lust frankly don’t make the world go round. Cause when the love and lust are done and you’re looking to start a family and responsibilities get involved… you have to weigh the consequences of that behavioral pattern… and ensure that it won’t lead to conflict. It also many times results in one partner feeling taken for granted. And secondly, as I’ve said before, Love is a privilege… not a right.
Finally… it’s “my” life. Why should I force myself to just “be okay” with someone because I “like” them. How long is that “like” going to last everytime I have to internally roll my eyes when what I perceive to be a flawed action occurs?? It may not be a flawed action to other people, but if it is something I can’t digest once all the love and lust is done… then “accepting your partner for who they are” is actually just a disservice to you both.
That being said… I don’t think it’s approriate to impose your views onto someone else. I think it’s ok to present them… with logic and hope that your partner will see your point… but that’s about as much as we can do… after all the partner is an adult too…
Now speaking from the partners perspective… I genuinely believe that we are all lost… in one way or another, whether we know it or not… all of us are trying to find our way… we are all writing our own stories… and our life stories are, afterall, a journey. So when we meet someone who “let’s us be as we are” we find ourselves slipping into complacency… and for most… that actually gets really boring. I think we are all looking for perspective… looking for motivation, looking for someone to make this journey much more fulfilling without making it feel like a chore. That doesn’t mean I want someone to hound me into doing random things… but again, just having multiple point of views… learning new things and being englightened, these are things I do think we all secretly want. Having a motivational spark ignited should feel fun… not like a task mom is forcing you to complete… or an obligation against one’s will…
I genuinely believe, perhaps from my own experiences… that when this occurs (and especially when it occurs two directionally)… that’s when a partner – with whom the option of spending forever is possible – has finally been found. “The chosen one” should never be one who leads us to a state of complacency. He or she should be someone who motivates us to be the best version of ourselves. Who motivates us to get up and do things for someone other than just ourselves.