I don’t need anyone. No really I don’t. I am here for everyone, to solve everyone’s problems if they want to confide in me… but me? I’m fine! I’m super strong. I can tackle every single thing on my own.
No really. I’m not lying. I can tackle every single thing on my own. And if there are people involved in anything I’m trying to do and they let me down… it’s okay! Because I can just cut them out emotionally on a moment’s notice and I’m fine!
I started noting this behavior of mine… early on in life but it really accelerated the past few years. I started coming up with plan B’s for every single scenario. I imagine the worst possible scenario for every event and have a plan in case it comes true. And even if it’s not coming true ever, I just assume it’s true anyway and enact plan b.
I started noticing it more recently but didn’t know what it was… and then I came across an article about hyper independence.
And how it’s a response to trauma. (If you know you know. If you don’t know feel free to ask just don’t make assumptions)
It’s often mistaken for extreme strength. “You’re so so strong! The strongest person I know!” Everyone says. And I am. I really am the strongest person I know too… because now my emotions don’t rely on anyone else. I have zero expectations from anyone else. Actually that’s not true – I expect everyone to eventually dump me from their lives.
Because I don’t trust anyone.
I believe everyone will come to me when they want something, good times will be temporary, and they will go away when they don’t need me anymore. When they get what they came for.
I minimize myself to an object to be used, strong enough to maintain the look of being brand new even after being used. I’m no longer a human in my own eyes.
And so I expect everyone to come, and then go. And I protect myself with my hyper independence. Because I don’t need anyone. Apparently. Because at some point I assume everyone in my life is just going to do what their predecessors did. Use and throw. In whatever way that may be.
So I only rely on myself. Even I only see the strong woman who puts a smile on every day and tackles the world doing amazing things. Even I don’t see the small girl curled up into the corner of my heart, scared, sad, wanting, desiring…
Strength. I am strong! I kept telling myself..
Until I came across this article detailing my every ultra strong behavior, taking apart my psychology. Until I realized that I’m not strong at all, I’ve just managed to survive the worst things in life. And so… I’ve grown a tough skin with a stone cold heart.
Congratulations, Trauma. You won.