At 31, or possible much before this time, I have started wondering this. Have any of you in the same age group or past this age ever felt the same?
I know who I am, what I’m capable of, and what I put into this world. But the fact of the matter is these days – the things I’m capable of – I’m not putting into the world… and the things I put into the world I’m not getting back.
I’ve always been an artistic being. An avid reader and writer, a passionate dancer and performer. I spent my 20s putting these things out into the world. I thrived and enjoyed myself greatly with each class of Kathak, or each stage performance/Natak. I put my heart and soul into it and for the levels I was at, I excelled. And then all of a sudden, about 2 years ago I ran out of gas. Completely. I found it impossible to stay motivated. Impossible to be creative. Life urges me to do more and I just can’t. And it scares me. Is it just a function of age and/or changing priorities? I feel my happiness diminish as I feel these things start slipping out of my desires. I want more, but I don’t have the energy to even try.
For the things I put into the world – I have always, ALWAYS, prioritized being a good person. Doing the right thing. Putting others and their needs ahead of my own. Caring deeply about even the worst of people who didn’t hesitate to hurt me. Even after they hurt me. Always trying my best to treat people the way I would want to be treated in any given scenario. How many people can genuinely say they’ve been a shoulder to lean on for a complete stranger? I can. That’s who I am, and of course I have no expectations from strangers. But what of non-strangers? Do I have the right to have expectations? I realized with time that the world doesn’t care for all that. There is nothing to get back.
Lately I’ve found myself silently begging. For attention. For love. For time. For people to put the same energy into me that I put into them… not saying anything however when nothing comes of it.
Strong shoulders to lean on are returned with blank stares and generic responses.
Genuine concern is returned with irritation
Unlimited access to my time and energy is returned with… well nothing.
Quite literally I find myself sitting around waiting until someone needs me for something. What kind of life is that?
Some may say I shouldn’t have expectations but why shouldn’t I damn it? Truth is I don’t from everyone, but I do from some! Does being the bigger person mean that you just keep giving and expect nothing in return from everybody?? I’m only human?
Then I realize that there isn’t a lack of people that want to treat me the way I want to be treated. I’m just not giving them the importance that I should. We sit around waiting for someone to give us the attention we crave while ignoring the people that crave our attention. Sad part being every time I come to this conclusion and refocus my attentions, the blame of pulling away is put on me. Conveniently, it’s no one else’s fault.
And then I’m back to square 1.
I wonder if I’m wasting my life. Perhaps I am. Actually, I am. I literally am. Perhaps it is time to re-prioritize my activities, goals, and heck even people in a way isn’t followed by a back peddle.