Anxiety

These past few days at work have been the weirdest. Ten hours in a mask, which never seems to bother me… suddenly I find myself short of breath. My heart racing, my head going numb. I find myself extremely restless. I can’t focus on anything extra except for my work. They want us to do some training modules… I can’t focus. We were told this morning that we might be the first in the dept to get vaccinated for covid… I said I need time to read the vaccine trials. They told me I had until next week.

So soon?? My brain freaked out a little. But not a big deal. Not the cause of why I’ve been feeling so on edge the past few days.

I dig and dig for an answer. Why am I needlessly on the verge of tears? Everything seems to be fine. Besides the pandemic of course.

The Pandemic.

Have we inadvertently burnt out from only going to and fro from work and home? From no vacations? From not physically seeing friends besides the ones that live in the immediate vicinity? We’ve adapted quite well, almost like robots, to the social distancing protocols.

Like robots.

On the contrary I guess we haven’t adapted that well. What we’ve done is found a way to survive and deny our emotions but the soul knows. The mind knows. And now the body is showing it. If there was light at the end of the tunnel it would be easy to be patient but… where is the goddamn light???!!

We are silently screaming in our minds. Screaming so loudly, yet deaf to that sound.

The past few days at work have been the weirdest. Ten hours in a mask, which never seems to bother me… suddenly I find myself short of breath. My heart racing, my head going numb. I find myself extremely restless. I thought I had reached my wits end months ago.

And now it’s nearly December. A year of our lives gone in the blink of an eye. Someone lost their job. Someone else has to go in to work everyday. Some have to face the storm head on, others face a horrific storm at home. Heck some have neither external storm to weather so they weather a different storm altogether. A storm from within, the storm of extreme loneliness. Then of course there’s the storm of loss. The storm of never getting to say goodbye.

We have special cases who don’t care because it hasn’t affected them personally yet. Out of sight, out of mind… so it must not exist. Wearing masks is apparently the mandate of the Devil.

What else did I expect?? I mean, of course it’s brimming…

The Anxiety.

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