Tag: love

Why do they come? But then why do they go?

Posted on by Sayli Natu

In life we meet so many people. Some we befriend. Some remain strangers. Some become acquaintances who you don’t think of everyday but once in a blue moon when you cross paths you exchange a formal hello. Some people become enemies, folks from the get go you know are bad for you. Each of these people play a very distinct role in our lives, whether that role is to be remembered and learned from, or disregarded and forgotten, 99% of folks fall within a very straightforward set of rules and therefore the brain is able to make sense of why they came (and in some situations… went), and what role they play. We always know why they’re there, and for the ones we haven’t figured out yet we keep telling ourselves “there must be a reason why you’re here!”.

Then come the 1%. The confusing lot. The ones whose vibes connected with yours before they became any part of your life. The ones you can never erase from your mind after they make their exit… no matter how many years go by. The intensity of their frequency is high. They come into our lives strong like a whirlwind sweeping us off our feet. They’re exciting, they give us hope. They’re addicting. Words aren’t needed because unspoken cues say everything there is to say. Your body responds to their presence. What is this connection? Why does this connection exist?? No matter how much you try to push them out of your mind you can’t because your body quickly becomes addicted to their involvement in your life. And yet… why? Especially when there is no romantic future there. Or rather, perhaps there is a potential but it’s cancelled because of the rules we have set for ourselves. Or perhaps there really is no potential because we can’t control our hearts. But nevertheless, there is a connection, an inexplicable pull from another lifetime perhaps.

And then as abruptly as they swept into our lives, they go. Unable to deal with the intensity of the moments, or unable to accept the lack of potential, they leave never to be heard from again. Never to be seen again. And yet, they never leave your mind. Distract yourself as much as you try, but something or another from time to time will always trigger a memory of your encounters. 5 years later. 10 years later. I guess a lifetime later… you’ll always remember with as much intensity of feeling, and an equal amount of sorrow. Years later when they mean nothing anymore to your heart, the thought of them still brings about a heaviness on our chests and tears to our eyes.

And we wonder. Why did they come into our lives if all they were going to do eventually was leave. No mark left, no significant role played. What was the point of meeting them if the only outcome was going to be the pain of their departure. We keep thinking there would be something to it, but there isn’t.

Only silence.

And we wonder why such a friendship couldn’t thrive. Tainted by what emotions, did it have an expiration date? Especially when everyone knows friendships carry more love than romance ever could. And who will understand the burden of carrying such a love, knowing it’s not the kind of love desired in return, and along with it the pain of losing such a love…

With that I end with some lines I came across on social media that someone wrote to a Bollywood song that triggered a memory of someone’s memory of me in their now complete non-existence. The lines are a response to the original song, and as beautiful as they are, the pain they induced is very real thanks to the memories that flooded the gates behind which they were locked.

Najdikiya tu… samjha na yaara… gham to yahi hai… gham toh yahi hai
hai jo abhi ye… rishta hamara… pyar se badhkar mere liye hai
pyar hai junoon, dosti sakoon, hai ye keheti rahi
tune kyun na suna

Channa mereya mereya channa mereya mereya…

Addendum. And then I came up with my own lyrics in a language I don’t even speak (Hindi). Or rather… they came to me!

Agar hum kabhi… Milte nahi to
dard na hota Ye dard na hota

Yaadein teri, hoti nahi to
Dukh bhi na hota, ye dukh bhi na hota

Rehete ajanabee to ye… udasi nahi hoti
Teri kami se dil tutata nahi

Channa mereya mereya…

I am 100% complete

Posted on by Sayli Natu
I Am Enough Quotes. QuotesGram

When an Indian reaches the age of 23-24… definitely 25, the trend has been for Indian parents to start passing comments on how said “Indian Child” needs to get married. As the years pass, the pressure builds up to find a spouse IMMEDIATELY. As if rapport doesn’t matter between two people so long as some day (soon) said “Indian Child” gets married.

I’m married. I’m happy to be married, and I’m having a great time being married. But as I observe my age group more closely a thought started creeping into my mind. A few years ago I found myself in a pretty bad predicament. If you know you know. Mentally at an all time low, living alone in the beautiful city of San Diego – I had started doubting whether I wanted to be married at all, ever. With the best of intentions at heart, my parents did the only thing they knew how to do. They freaked out. They were positive I was going to ruin my life if I stayed single for the rest of it. At my age 18, the same parents who didn’t want me to even make eye contact with males, at age 27 were horrified I didn’t even want to anymore. Okay, so then I got married. And they were finally at peace. Their duty was done.

But what the heck kind of duty was this?? If I was so self-reliant, self sufficient – why was getting me married SUCH an important hurdle that had to be crossed??

This sequence of events along with listening to various stories from unmarried and seeking people about their parents’ behaviors on this topic made me start wondering on why it was so important to get married. Of course it’s one thing if a person wants to get married and is actively seeking. Don’t get me wrong, I understand companionship and do love mine, but the way that the older generations go about it slowly but surely started rubbing me the wrong way.

It almost seemed like the thought was that a person is only 50% until they are married. As if life isn’t fulfilling until you’re married. As if you need to be married to live a successful life. As if without a spouse, you will perish and die in misery, childless (topic for another day). Which is odd because I’m pretty sure getting married significantly increases the degree of stress in both parties since beyond the love and attachment part people spend so much time annoying each other (see marriage jokes – they had to have some basis).

The other day, in convo with a friend, I had an epiphany. Should be obvious but it’s really not. To anyone. The fact of the matter is that I was not 50% before I married Sagar. I was 100%! I was ALWAYS complete. And so was my husband before me. I was able to take care of myself, financially provide for myself, anything I needed or wanted to do – I could! Anything I couldn’t, I could always hire someone to do it! I didn’t need a man in my life romantically to do anything because I could literally do it ALL (or get it ALL done one way or another). If I chose to have a partner, it was because I wanted one, not because I needed one!

So when will we finally shift this thought process from “needing” someone to “wanting someone”. I don’t NEED anyone. So if someone is in my life – that is a privilege for them which they need to appreciate and maintain. Same goes vice versa, if I am in someone’s life, it shouldn’t be because they NEED ME (not trying to get used for the benefits, or on the flip side build up my own ego) but rather because it is my privilege to be loved by them. I think when we start shifting our understanding of why someone is in our lives (or we theirs) – we will start appreciating being in a relationship more. At the same time we will also learn to preserve our self-reliance which is an extremely important thing to never lose.

I’m already in a relationship with, engaged and married to my husband. But today I spent some time proposing to myself. The truth is, I am my own soulmate. I am fully capable of (and actually am!) my own provider. I love myself more than anyone else in this world loves me, and I am the only person who 100% has my own best interests at heart. No one is going to go out of their way for me the way I would go out of my way for myself, and no one is going to prioritize me and my happiness the way I prioritize them. So why not give myself some credit for being the best soulmate to myself that I could ever have?

I am 100% complete. I always was 100% complete. We all (mostly) are 100% complete when we don’t need someone to fulfill our basic needs. And we should be proud of that independence. All other relationships, are a bonus. So no we are not 50/50 only to be made whole by marrying just about anyone because “we’re getting too old”. The privilege to be loved by the person you love is given and taken, to be appreciated and cherished – never to be taken for granted.

Because when someone is 100% complete to begin with, it’s you who is lucky to have them. And hopefully… that understanding goes both ways.

I am… 100% complete.