Tag: love

Rollercoaster Friendships

Posted on by Sayli Natu

As a ponderer I’ve been sitting on a thought for several months now about why I get satisfaction from some (very few) friendships, while others leave me frustrated. I have realized that depending on how much importance one has in my life for whatever reasons, some friendships leave me frustrated because they leave me feeling unfulfilled. Now in friendships, no one actually owes anyone anything. People are allowed to have multiple friends and spend time with a variety of people. People are allowed to have gaps in communication if life gets busy. None of us are obligated to report our movements and actions to anyone else. With this logic, I don’t expect any of these things either. So then what is it that I find frustrating?

I thought long and hard about why the above mentioned actions frustrate me in some friendships but don’t frustrate me in others even if lets say those friendships are equivalent in my mind. I realized for me it came down to vibe. It came down to whether an interaction feels like a rollercoaster.

Needless to say I’m not about rollercoasters, I don’t like them, I don’t ride them, and I certainly don’t want rollercoaster friendships. As someone who hasn’t had any form of external emotional stability in my life, I really value having people around who are consistent in their presence and behaviors. High on love one day, indifference the next – it wrecks havoc on my mind. It’s not about how frequently we speak or how in depth. Unfortunately, as an empath I’m able to read people’s body language cues extremely well, even through text. So no matter what someone says about things being “fine” even if they seemingly ARE fine, the subconscious vibe throws me off.

First things first, shady behavior. Realizing that someone is hiding things or withholding information for no reason is a big turn off. In true friendship, one doesn’t have an obligation to report their actions, true, but when it becomes evident that information was intentionally withheld it raises doubt in my mind as to the transparency and honesty of a friendship. The second turn off is when it feels like I’m begging for interaction. Maintaining a friendship isn’t a favor you’re doing for someone else because you don’t have the guts to be transparent about what you do or don’t want. Truth is, there always comes a point where these behaviors become boring and the problem with me is that once I’m done, I’m totally and completely done.

The reason I’ve gotten really good at reading cues is because my control subject is my best friend Anna. We have been best friends since college and no, we don’t necessarily speak every day. In fact, sometimes we even go months without speaking but the vibe is always right even in that silence. I know without a doubt that if I message her she’s going to come back with energy that tells me “I love you, I miss you, and I’ve got your back” no matter what is going on in her life. Even if she can’t respond right away I never get the feeling that my friendship is a burden on her. I know that no matter what happens she’s there and that she would go to war alongside me against anyone and everyone on a moment’s notice EVEN if she doesn’t know what the problem is.

So truth be told, I don’t know what to do with friendships that seem so intense at one moment and nonexistent at others. It’s really not about the depth or the frequency, it’s about the intention. I think love (in the context of friendship as well) is one of those emotions that is just felt… and honestly, the absence of love is ALSO felt. It’s one of the strongest emotions in the world so honestly it’s nearly impossible to fool a person who knows what to look for.

I’m so thankful to my best friend for showing me what consistency is all about. Truth is that these days 99% of the world functions at a very superficial level. People speak to others only when they need something from them. We don’t speak to people simply because they’re good company.

Then we wonder why a majority of the world suffers from depression and anxiety. Who wouldn’t in a world that appears incapable of being sincere, loyal, and committed to being transparently genuine as humans? Rather than being a kind human, people bask in gossip and negativity and then complain of feeling lonely.

And today? It’s gotten so bad that even if someone truly is a one off genuinely good human being – it’s nearly impossible for others to digest the fact that such a person can actually exist.

Why do they come? But then why do they go?

Posted on by Sayli Natu

In life we meet so many people. Some we befriend. Some remain strangers. Some become acquaintances who you don’t think of everyday but once in a blue moon when you cross paths you exchange a formal hello. Some people become enemies, folks from the get go you know are bad for you. Each of these people play a very distinct role in our lives, whether that role is to be remembered and learned from, or disregarded and forgotten, 99% of folks fall within a very straightforward set of rules and therefore the brain is able to make sense of why they came (and in some situations… went), and what role they play. We always know why they’re there, and for the ones we haven’t figured out yet we keep telling ourselves “there must be a reason why you’re here!”.

Then come the 1%. The confusing lot. The ones whose vibes connected with yours before they became any part of your life. The ones you can never erase from your mind after they make their exit… no matter how many years go by. The intensity of their frequency is high. They come into our lives strong like a whirlwind sweeping us off our feet. They’re exciting, they give us hope. They’re addicting. Words aren’t needed because unspoken cues say everything there is to say. Your body responds to their presence. What is this connection? Why does this connection exist?? No matter how much you try to push them out of your mind you can’t because your body quickly becomes addicted to their involvement in your life. And yet… why? Especially when there is no romantic future there. Or rather, perhaps there is a potential but it’s cancelled because of the rules we have set for ourselves. Or perhaps there really is no potential because we can’t control our hearts. But nevertheless, there is a connection, an inexplicable pull from another lifetime perhaps.

And then as abruptly as they swept into our lives, they go. Unable to deal with the intensity of the moments, or unable to accept the lack of potential, they leave never to be heard from again. Never to be seen again. And yet, they never leave your mind. Distract yourself as much as you try, but something or another from time to time will always trigger a memory of your encounters. 5 years later. 10 years later. I guess a lifetime later… you’ll always remember with as much intensity of feeling, and an equal amount of sorrow. Years later when they mean nothing anymore to your heart, the thought of them still brings about a heaviness on our chests and tears to our eyes.

And we wonder. Why did they come into our lives if all they were going to do eventually was leave. No mark left, no significant role played. What was the point of meeting them if the only outcome was going to be the pain of their departure. We keep thinking there would be something to it, but there isn’t.

Only silence.

And we wonder why such a friendship couldn’t thrive. Tainted by what emotions, did it have an expiration date? Especially when everyone knows friendships carry more love than romance ever could. And who will understand the burden of carrying such a love, knowing it’s not the kind of love desired in return, and along with it the pain of losing such a love…

With that I end with some lines I came across on social media that someone wrote to a Bollywood song that triggered a memory of someone’s memory of me in their now complete non-existence. The lines are a response to the original song, and as beautiful as they are, the pain they induced is very real thanks to the memories that flooded the gates behind which they were locked.

Najdikiya tu… samjha na yaara… gham to yahi hai… gham toh yahi hai
hai jo abhi ye… rishta hamara… pyar se badhkar mere liye hai
pyar hai junoon, dosti sakoon, hai ye keheti rahi
tune kyun na suna

Channa mereya mereya channa mereya mereya…

Addendum. And then I came up with my own lyrics in a language I don’t even speak (Hindi). Or rather… they came to me!

Agar hum kabhi… Milte nahi to
dard na hota Ye dard na hota

Yaadein teri, hoti nahi to
Dukh bhi na hota, ye dukh bhi na hota

Rehete ajanabee to ye… udasi nahi hoti
Teri kami se dil tutata nahi

Channa mereya mereya…

I am 100% complete

Posted on by Sayli Natu
I Am Enough Quotes. QuotesGram

When an Indian reaches the age of 23-24… definitely 25, the trend has been for Indian parents to start passing comments on how said “Indian Child” needs to get married. As the years pass, the pressure builds up to find a spouse IMMEDIATELY. As if rapport doesn’t matter between two people so long as some day (soon) said “Indian Child” gets married.

I’m married. I’m happy to be married, and I’m having a great time being married. But as I observe my age group more closely a thought started creeping into my mind. A few years ago I found myself in a pretty bad predicament. If you know you know. Mentally at an all time low, living alone in the beautiful city of San Diego – I had started doubting whether I wanted to be married at all, ever. With the best of intentions at heart, my parents did the only thing they knew how to do. They freaked out. They were positive I was going to ruin my life if I stayed single for the rest of it. At my age 18, the same parents who didn’t want me to even make eye contact with males, at age 27 were horrified I didn’t even want to anymore. Okay, so then I got married. And they were finally at peace. Their duty was done.

But what the heck kind of duty was this?? If I was so self-reliant, self sufficient – why was getting me married SUCH an important hurdle that had to be crossed??

This sequence of events along with listening to various stories from unmarried and seeking people about their parents’ behaviors on this topic made me start wondering on why it was so important to get married. Of course it’s one thing if a person wants to get married and is actively seeking. Don’t get me wrong, I understand companionship and do love mine, but the way that the older generations go about it slowly but surely started rubbing me the wrong way.

It almost seemed like the thought was that a person is only 50% until they are married. As if life isn’t fulfilling until you’re married. As if you need to be married to live a successful life. As if without a spouse, you will perish and die in misery, childless (topic for another day). Which is odd because I’m pretty sure getting married significantly increases the degree of stress in both parties since beyond the love and attachment part people spend so much time annoying each other (see marriage jokes – they had to have some basis).

The other day, in convo with a friend, I had an epiphany. Should be obvious but it’s really not. To anyone. The fact of the matter is that I was not 50% before I married Sagar. I was 100%! I was ALWAYS complete. And so was my husband before me. I was able to take care of myself, financially provide for myself, anything I needed or wanted to do – I could! Anything I couldn’t, I could always hire someone to do it! I didn’t need a man in my life romantically to do anything because I could literally do it ALL (or get it ALL done one way or another). If I chose to have a partner, it was because I wanted one, not because I needed one!

So when will we finally shift this thought process from “needing” someone to “wanting someone”. I don’t NEED anyone. So if someone is in my life – that is a privilege for them which they need to appreciate and maintain. Same goes vice versa, if I am in someone’s life, it shouldn’t be because they NEED ME (not trying to get used for the benefits, or on the flip side build up my own ego) but rather because it is my privilege to be loved by them. I think when we start shifting our understanding of why someone is in our lives (or we theirs) – we will start appreciating being in a relationship more. At the same time we will also learn to preserve our self-reliance which is an extremely important thing to never lose.

I’m already in a relationship with, engaged and married to my husband. But today I spent some time proposing to myself. The truth is, I am my own soulmate. I am fully capable of (and actually am!) my own provider. I love myself more than anyone else in this world loves me, and I am the only person who 100% has my own best interests at heart. No one is going to go out of their way for me the way I would go out of my way for myself, and no one is going to prioritize me and my happiness the way I prioritize them. So why not give myself some credit for being the best soulmate to myself that I could ever have?

I am 100% complete. I always was 100% complete. We all (mostly) are 100% complete when we don’t need someone to fulfill our basic needs. And we should be proud of that independence. All other relationships, are a bonus. So no we are not 50/50 only to be made whole by marrying just about anyone because “we’re getting too old”. The privilege to be loved by the person you love is given and taken, to be appreciated and cherished – never to be taken for granted.

Because when someone is 100% complete to begin with, it’s you who is lucky to have them. And hopefully… that understanding goes both ways.

I am… 100% complete.