Tag: friends

As a ponderer I’ve been sitting on a thought for several months now about why I get satisfaction from some (very few) friendships, while others leave me frustrated. I have realized that depending on how much importance one has in my life for whatever reasons, some friendships leave me frustrated because they leave me feeling unfulfilled. Now in friendships, no one actually owes anyone anything. People are allowed to have multiple friends and spend time with a variety of people. People are allowed to have gaps in communication if life gets busy. None of us are obligated to report our movements and actions to anyone else. With this logic, I don’t expect any of these things either. So then what is it that I find frustrating?

I thought long and hard about why the above mentioned actions frustrate me in some friendships but don’t frustrate me in others even if lets say those friendships are equivalent in my mind. I realized for me it came down to vibe. It came down to whether an interaction feels like a rollercoaster.

Needless to say I’m not about rollercoasters, I don’t like them, I don’t ride them, and I certainly don’t want rollercoaster friendships. As someone who hasn’t had any form of external emotional stability in my life, I really value having people around who are consistent in their presence and behaviors. High on love one day, indifference the next – it wrecks havoc on my mind. It’s not about how frequently we speak or how in depth. Unfortunately, as an empath I’m able to read people’s body language cues extremely well, even through text. So no matter what someone says about things being “fine” even if they seemingly ARE fine, the subconscious vibe throws me off.

First things first, shady behavior. Realizing that someone is hiding things or withholding information for no reason is a big turn off. In true friendship, one doesn’t have an obligation to report their actions, true, but when it becomes evident that information was intentionally withheld it raises doubt in my mind as to the transparency and honesty of a friendship. The second turn off is when it feels like I’m begging for interaction. Maintaining a friendship isn’t a favor you’re doing for someone else because you don’t have the guts to be transparent about what you do or don’t want. Truth is, there always comes a point where these behaviors become boring and the problem with me is that once I’m done, I’m totally and completely done.

The reason I’ve gotten really good at reading cues is because my control subject is my best friend Anna. We have been best friends since college and no, we don’t necessarily speak every day. In fact, sometimes we even go months without speaking but the vibe is always right even in that silence. I know without a doubt that if I message her she’s going to come back with energy that tells me “I love you, I miss you, and I’ve got your back” no matter what is going on in her life. Even if she can’t respond right away I never get the feeling that my friendship is a burden on her. I know that no matter what happens she’s there and that she would go to war alongside me against anyone and everyone on a moment’s notice EVEN if she doesn’t know what the problem is.

So truth be told, I don’t know what to do with friendships that seem so intense at one moment and nonexistent at others. It’s really not about the depth or the frequency, it’s about the intention. I think love (in the context of friendship as well) is one of those emotions that is just felt… and honestly, the absence of love is ALSO felt. It’s one of the strongest emotions in the world so honestly it’s nearly impossible to fool a person who knows what to look for.

I’m so thankful to my best friend for showing me what consistency is all about. Truth is that these days 99% of the world functions at a very superficial level. People speak to others only when they need something from them. We don’t speak to people simply because they’re good company.

Then we wonder why a majority of the world suffers from depression and anxiety. Who wouldn’t in a world that appears incapable of being sincere, loyal, and committed to being transparently genuine as humans? Rather than being a kind human, people bask in gossip and negativity and then complain of feeling lonely.

And today? It’s gotten so bad that even if someone truly is a one off genuinely good human being – it’s nearly impossible for others to digest the fact that such a person can actually exist.